Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Rude 16.7
The stylistic devices web editors use to achieve brevity include links to more information, summaries, previews, and short clear sentences.
Rude 15.5, 6, 7
5.
This passage has been edited to give each clause a human agent.
Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party in lieu of incarceration. During probation, a probation officer supervises the offender in the community for a predetermined period of time. If the offender complies with the terms and conditions of the probation set by the court, the courts discharge him or her and consider the offender's debt to society paid. If the offender doesn't comply, courts may impose another method of sentence which may include incarceration.
6. The edited passage more clearly conveys who is responsible for what aspect of the probation process. The only thing sacrificed in the edited version is a clear word:definition set up, which is very helpful in textbooks. (The original read "probation is...") while this one places the emphasis on how probation works. However, the original gave a vague definition anyway. The structure of the paragraph is greatly improved by the parallel construction ("If the offender complies/doesn't comply... the courts...") and the consequences for the offender are much more clear. For this reason, a lawyer defending the offender might like the clarity, because, with the edited version, they couldn't argue whose responsibility it is that the offender comply, where as in the original they probably could.
7. In editing this passage, the I started at the beginning and edited each sentence in first to last. First I determined what the sentence was trying to say; I summarized the main information to myself. I usually do this by asking "Who is doing what to whom or what?" In the first sentence, I saw that the main topic of the sentence was "probation" and the main action is "imposed on," so I asked myself "Who imposes probation on whom?" I could find the whom, "a person found guilty of a crime" and I converted that phrase into a single noun with an adjective "guilty party." So I needed to come up with a "Who," and so I posited "Courts" as the actors, although "Judges," "prosecutors," and many other words could have worked as well. So I have the meat of the sentence, "Courts impose probation on a guilty party." But then I realized that an important part of the sentence was describing probation as a method of sentencing a person. So I had to incorporate that into the sentence. I decided to keep "Courts" as the actor and change the verb to the much less specific "use" so I could include the information about probation being a method of sentencing. The final sentence I ended up with was, "Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party."
Then as I moved onto the next sentence, I realized that it would have the same actor, and many of the same words which would sound repetitive. The original sentence was "It is a court-ordered sentence in lieu of incarceration." Following the same process as the last sentence, I came up with the sentence, "Courts order probation on guilty parties in lieu of incarceration." Since the main meat of this sentence is the same as the main meat of the sentence previous, I decided to tack the new information in this sentence "in lieu of incarceration," onto the first sentence. Thus, it became what you read above.
I followed a similar process of asking myself who the actors were, what the action was, and whom was receiving the action to find the meat of the sentence. After that I compared that to make sure it conveyed all the same ideas that the original sentence had, and if it didn't reworking it until all the important ideas were included. Then I compared the sentence with what comes before and after it to make sure no information is left out or repeated.
This passage has been edited to give each clause a human agent.
Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party in lieu of incarceration. During probation, a probation officer supervises the offender in the community for a predetermined period of time. If the offender complies with the terms and conditions of the probation set by the court, the courts discharge him or her and consider the offender's debt to society paid. If the offender doesn't comply, courts may impose another method of sentence which may include incarceration.
6. The edited passage more clearly conveys who is responsible for what aspect of the probation process. The only thing sacrificed in the edited version is a clear word:definition set up, which is very helpful in textbooks. (The original read "probation is...") while this one places the emphasis on how probation works. However, the original gave a vague definition anyway. The structure of the paragraph is greatly improved by the parallel construction ("If the offender complies/doesn't comply... the courts...") and the consequences for the offender are much more clear. For this reason, a lawyer defending the offender might like the clarity, because, with the edited version, they couldn't argue whose responsibility it is that the offender comply, where as in the original they probably could.
7. In editing this passage, the I started at the beginning and edited each sentence in first to last. First I determined what the sentence was trying to say; I summarized the main information to myself. I usually do this by asking "Who is doing what to whom or what?" In the first sentence, I saw that the main topic of the sentence was "probation" and the main action is "imposed on," so I asked myself "Who imposes probation on whom?" I could find the whom, "a person found guilty of a crime" and I converted that phrase into a single noun with an adjective "guilty party." So I needed to come up with a "Who," and so I posited "Courts" as the actors, although "Judges," "prosecutors," and many other words could have worked as well. So I have the meat of the sentence, "Courts impose probation on a guilty party." But then I realized that an important part of the sentence was describing probation as a method of sentencing a person. So I had to incorporate that into the sentence. I decided to keep "Courts" as the actor and change the verb to the much less specific "use" so I could include the information about probation being a method of sentencing. The final sentence I ended up with was, "Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party."
Then as I moved onto the next sentence, I realized that it would have the same actor, and many of the same words which would sound repetitive. The original sentence was "It is a court-ordered sentence in lieu of incarceration." Following the same process as the last sentence, I came up with the sentence, "Courts order probation on guilty parties in lieu of incarceration." Since the main meat of this sentence is the same as the main meat of the sentence previous, I decided to tack the new information in this sentence "in lieu of incarceration," onto the first sentence. Thus, it became what you read above.
I followed a similar process of asking myself who the actors were, what the action was, and whom was receiving the action to find the meat of the sentence. After that I compared that to make sure it conveyed all the same ideas that the original sentence had, and if it didn't reworking it until all the important ideas were included. Then I compared the sentence with what comes before and after it to make sure no information is left out or repeated.
Rude 15.4
In a manual for volunteers assisting probation officers:
The sentences in this piece are short and contain only one main idea. This makes the sentences easier to read; however, the advanced vocabulary in the paragraph hinders all the readability that the short sentences create. The information is basic and straightforward, and, aside from the vocabulary, would work well to give basic information to a volunteer. The audience will need to know what probation is and how it works quickly in order to understand what their jobs will entail so they can move onto specifics. The terse, simple prose works well in this situation as well.
In a law textbook:
Unless this is a basic law textbook (like an Intro to Law class textbook) this sentence would be too basic. The vocabulary would probably be more appropriate for this audience, but they would probably already have an understanding of probation and this passage could seem below them. However, the simple sentence constructions would work well in a textbook when the purpose of the prose is to inform because each sentence conveys one idea and the reader can easily follow the meanings and definitions of the words.
The sentences in this piece are short and contain only one main idea. This makes the sentences easier to read; however, the advanced vocabulary in the paragraph hinders all the readability that the short sentences create. The information is basic and straightforward, and, aside from the vocabulary, would work well to give basic information to a volunteer. The audience will need to know what probation is and how it works quickly in order to understand what their jobs will entail so they can move onto specifics. The terse, simple prose works well in this situation as well.
In a law textbook:
Unless this is a basic law textbook (like an Intro to Law class textbook) this sentence would be too basic. The vocabulary would probably be more appropriate for this audience, but they would probably already have an understanding of probation and this passage could seem below them. However, the simple sentence constructions would work well in a textbook when the purpose of the prose is to inform because each sentence conveys one idea and the reader can easily follow the meanings and definitions of the words.
Williams 8.2
(I felt like Tom Brokaw was speaking in my head as I wrote these. In fact, I suggest reading these like a new anchor.)
1. Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, basics that students do not now know.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, a change that many liberals see as a sign of the end of the world.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, maintaining a status quo that hasn't ever worked for anyone.
2. Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, requirements that are squeezing already tight budgets.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, a challenge that GM is not yet ready to meet.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, assuring that all cars on the road will be safer.
3. The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a puzzle that will soon be solved by Chuck Norris.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a mystery that rivals any game of clue you've ever played.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, engaging the greatest minds in what seems to be a losing battle.
4. The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, an insecurity that cripples our already-senile friends.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, a failure that has divided these two generations in more ways than one.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, resulting in the stupid hairstyles and fashion choices of the rising generation.
5. The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, issues that will need to be addressed before mutants and zombies start taking over the Caribbean.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, an event that will continue to "test" us forever.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, resulting in many people kicking themselves out of churches they once loved and abandoning beliefs they once cherished.
6. Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a suggestion that later evolved into The Origin of Species.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a reaction that secular humanists find puritanical and dimwitted.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, intimating that God did not create man whole and complete as the bible suggested.
7. During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, thoughts that would ultimately define the messed up western world we live in now.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, a circumstance that would allow the greatest minds of western history to shine.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, allowing the free exchange of philosophical ideas.
8. Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a focus that brings in the big bucks while leaving the public like a deer in the headlights.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a change that many welcome because of the increasing number of photos of topless women in the local newspaper.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, stripping journalism of whatever semblance of objectivity and reliability it ever had.
1. Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, basics that students do not now know.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, a change that many liberals see as a sign of the end of the world.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, maintaining a status quo that hasn't ever worked for anyone.
2. Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, requirements that are squeezing already tight budgets.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, a challenge that GM is not yet ready to meet.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, assuring that all cars on the road will be safer.
3. The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a puzzle that will soon be solved by Chuck Norris.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a mystery that rivals any game of clue you've ever played.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, engaging the greatest minds in what seems to be a losing battle.
4. The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, an insecurity that cripples our already-senile friends.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, a failure that has divided these two generations in more ways than one.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, resulting in the stupid hairstyles and fashion choices of the rising generation.
5. The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, issues that will need to be addressed before mutants and zombies start taking over the Caribbean.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, an event that will continue to "test" us forever.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, resulting in many people kicking themselves out of churches they once loved and abandoning beliefs they once cherished.
6. Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a suggestion that later evolved into The Origin of Species.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a reaction that secular humanists find puritanical and dimwitted.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, intimating that God did not create man whole and complete as the bible suggested.
7. During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, thoughts that would ultimately define the messed up western world we live in now.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, a circumstance that would allow the greatest minds of western history to shine.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, allowing the free exchange of philosophical ideas.
8. Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a focus that brings in the big bucks while leaving the public like a deer in the headlights.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a change that many welcome because of the increasing number of photos of topless women in the local newspaper.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, stripping journalism of whatever semblance of objectivity and reliability it ever had.
Williams 8.1
These sentences originally had long introductory clauses.
1. Proponents of workfare are premature in their recommendation because it has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare and evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available.
2. While teachers, administators, and even newspapers hotly debate the topic of grade inflation, employers easily identify candidates with high levels of technical and analytical skills.
3. Foreign criminal justice systems may prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs by moving cases faster through their systems and imposing stiffer penalties to; however, no one expects the judges who hear these cases to improve their expertise any time in the immediate future.
4. According to school security officials, local principles may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building. Therefore, the total package of school security must educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing anything that looks like a weapon onto school property.
5. The music industry's image is not likely to improve if they ignore the problem of applying the same rating system to FM and AM radio that is applied to offensive lyrics, even if they were willing to discuss a system that could be used to sell music in retail stores.
These sentences originally had long subjects.
6. Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die. To explain this decision we must understand the audience's reaction to Macbeth's death.
7. If the film industry and television producers agreed to limit characters using cigarettes, and even if they carried it out, it would do little to discourage young people from smoking.
8. Students have the right to have access to their own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers. These rights will generally take precedence over an institution's desires to keep records private, except when students agree to limit those rights under specified circumstances at registration.
These sentences originally contained an interruption.
9. The construction of the Interstate Highway system ran into serious financial problems because congress, when they originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate inflation.
10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior is to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline, regardless of the reasons to justify it.
11. TV "reality" shows are about the most popular regularly scheduled shows because they appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict and voyeuristic impulses.
12. Cigarette companies no longer insist that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as heart diseases and malignant growth when there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking and such diseases.
13. Unless there is a marked reduction, the unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of our world.
1. Proponents of workfare are premature in their recommendation because it has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare and evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available.
2. While teachers, administators, and even newspapers hotly debate the topic of grade inflation, employers easily identify candidates with high levels of technical and analytical skills.
3. Foreign criminal justice systems may prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs by moving cases faster through their systems and imposing stiffer penalties to; however, no one expects the judges who hear these cases to improve their expertise any time in the immediate future.
4. According to school security officials, local principles may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building. Therefore, the total package of school security must educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing anything that looks like a weapon onto school property.
5. The music industry's image is not likely to improve if they ignore the problem of applying the same rating system to FM and AM radio that is applied to offensive lyrics, even if they were willing to discuss a system that could be used to sell music in retail stores.
These sentences originally had long subjects.
6. Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die. To explain this decision we must understand the audience's reaction to Macbeth's death.
7. If the film industry and television producers agreed to limit characters using cigarettes, and even if they carried it out, it would do little to discourage young people from smoking.
8. Students have the right to have access to their own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers. These rights will generally take precedence over an institution's desires to keep records private, except when students agree to limit those rights under specified circumstances at registration.
These sentences originally contained an interruption.
9. The construction of the Interstate Highway system ran into serious financial problems because congress, when they originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate inflation.
10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior is to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline, regardless of the reasons to justify it.
11. TV "reality" shows are about the most popular regularly scheduled shows because they appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict and voyeuristic impulses.
12. Cigarette companies no longer insist that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as heart diseases and malignant growth when there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking and such diseases.
13. Unless there is a marked reduction, the unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of our world.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Rude 23.1
In order to create a useful, high-quality anthology of articles on the subject of computer documentation, we have decided to use both previously published articles and solicit a few writers in the field to create new articles.
Our plan is to find four of the top names in the field and ask each of them to produce an article about the field and also serve as the review board for the three other members of the board. Each person will produce one article and review three. These professionals can also be a guide to choosing the most important articles that will best serve the anthology. We will also invite the authors of the previously published articles to write a preface for the anthology.
In order to prepare copy for the anthology, we will need to get all of the final copies of the files (original articles, prefaces, author bios, and new reviewed articles) submitted electronically into one text document. We will create a style and template for the pages and reformat all of the articles to fit.
We want to produce this anthology with little money, so we will go with a two column page with smaller margins and deal with the template problems this produces. We will also not have any additional materials added onto the articles (reference lists, or prompts for finding more information). There will also be a bio sketch for each author at the end of the book.
Our plan is to find four of the top names in the field and ask each of them to produce an article about the field and also serve as the review board for the three other members of the board. Each person will produce one article and review three. These professionals can also be a guide to choosing the most important articles that will best serve the anthology. We will also invite the authors of the previously published articles to write a preface for the anthology.
In order to prepare copy for the anthology, we will need to get all of the final copies of the files (original articles, prefaces, author bios, and new reviewed articles) submitted electronically into one text document. We will create a style and template for the pages and reformat all of the articles to fit.
We want to produce this anthology with little money, so we will go with a two column page with smaller margins and deal with the template problems this produces. We will also not have any additional materials added onto the articles (reference lists, or prompts for finding more information). There will also be a bio sketch for each author at the end of the book.
Williams 7.4
These sentences have been edited to eliminate metadiscourse and redundancy.
1. There may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient interests.
2. The standard approach to plea bargaining may need to be dispensed with because criminals may avoid receiving a just punishment and it seems to encourage a lack of respect for the judicial system.
3. There is one basic principle of making decisions regarding protecting unspoiled areas from commercial exploitation.
4. We can assume that there are no terrestrial-type snakes surpassing the size of known species.
5. For some, the educational system has exceeded the family as a major source of social value transmission.
1. There may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient interests.
2. The standard approach to plea bargaining may need to be dispensed with because criminals may avoid receiving a just punishment and it seems to encourage a lack of respect for the judicial system.
3. There is one basic principle of making decisions regarding protecting unspoiled areas from commercial exploitation.
4. We can assume that there are no terrestrial-type snakes surpassing the size of known species.
5. For some, the educational system has exceeded the family as a major source of social value transmission.
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