This entry includes a automobile recall notice that has been edited to give action and actors to verbs.
We may have manufactured a defect in your vehicle that involves the possible failure of the frame support plate. This plate connects a portion of the front suspension to the vehicle frame, and if this plate fails, which could easily happen if you brake too hard, you may lose directional control. In addition, your hood's secondary catch system may require adjustment because it may be misaligned. If you leave the primary latch disengaged, the hood may fly up and, if this happens while you are driving, you may not be able to see the road. Either of these, plate failure or hood fly-up, may cause you to crash your vehicle without prior warning.
The company probably wouldn't send out this version because the two things that could cause crashes, braking hard and leaving the primary latch disengaged, occur often and the reader would be highly aware of the danger they face driving the car. Braking hard especially is a problem because it is something that drivers do often. But it is closer to the truth. The car manufacturers did create a defect in the plate and align the hood latch incorrectly. They are responsible and have put the driver at risk. The clarity would also alert the driver to the urgency of the situation and they might be more likely to take the car in to get fixed. Ethically, the car company needs to give the customer every opportunity to avoid crashes possible and using the opaque language they did makes the document harder to reader and the driver less likely to understand it and avoid an accident. The revision is better writing in terms of writing principles and also in present the truth clearly.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Williams 12.1
This entry contains a gas rate notice, originally written in opaque language, with you and then we as the subject/agent.
The Illinois Commerce commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates. As a result your service charge will increase effective with service rendered on or after November 12, 1990. You have not had a rate increase from us, Peoples Gas, in six years. You cost us a lot of money, and the Public Utilites Act says we have to charge what it costs us to produce the gas, so we have to charge you closer to what it costs us to provide the service.
The Illinois Commerce commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates, and so we will increase your service charge effective with service rendered on or after November 12, 1990. We have not increased your service charges in six years. We have changed the rates, but we are complying with the Public Utilities Act, which says we have to charge what it costs us to produce the gas. We are changing the rates for every class of customer closer to the cost actually incurred to provide the service.
The first sends the message that in some ways it is the customer's fault that the rates are changing because it costs the gas company money to produce the gas. If it weren't for the customer consuming and demanding the gas, the gas company could just collect the rates without providing the service. But this isn't good writing because the only agency that the customer really has in this situation is passively receiving the services offered by the gas company. They can't be made actors, so this revision is not truthful and puts a burden on the customer that doesn't exist.
The second revision is much closer to the transparent, clear language that would normally be called good writing because it is easy to understand and use the information it contains. Also, it portrays clearly who is making the decisions and who is to blame for the rates changing. So, if the purpose of the document is to inform the customer of the rate change, the reasons behind it and as clearly as possible, this is good writing. But the purpose of the document is much more complicated than that; it needs to inform the customer of the rate change while dissuading the customer from asking any questions about the rate change or giving the impression that the rate changes happen willy-nilly or that they may happen again soon. The document needs to break the news with losing the customers trust and faith in the companies reliability. So the clear language isn't good writing in that sense. If the gas company gives too much information too easily, the customer my think that the decision to raise rates was made with the same brevity.
The Illinois Commerce commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates. As a result your service charge will increase effective with service rendered on or after November 12, 1990. You have not had a rate increase from us, Peoples Gas, in six years. You cost us a lot of money, and the Public Utilites Act says we have to charge what it costs us to produce the gas, so we have to charge you closer to what it costs us to provide the service.
The Illinois Commerce commission has authorized a restructuring of our rates, and so we will increase your service charge effective with service rendered on or after November 12, 1990. We have not increased your service charges in six years. We have changed the rates, but we are complying with the Public Utilities Act, which says we have to charge what it costs us to produce the gas. We are changing the rates for every class of customer closer to the cost actually incurred to provide the service.
The first sends the message that in some ways it is the customer's fault that the rates are changing because it costs the gas company money to produce the gas. If it weren't for the customer consuming and demanding the gas, the gas company could just collect the rates without providing the service. But this isn't good writing because the only agency that the customer really has in this situation is passively receiving the services offered by the gas company. They can't be made actors, so this revision is not truthful and puts a burden on the customer that doesn't exist.
The second revision is much closer to the transparent, clear language that would normally be called good writing because it is easy to understand and use the information it contains. Also, it portrays clearly who is making the decisions and who is to blame for the rates changing. So, if the purpose of the document is to inform the customer of the rate change, the reasons behind it and as clearly as possible, this is good writing. But the purpose of the document is much more complicated than that; it needs to inform the customer of the rate change while dissuading the customer from asking any questions about the rate change or giving the impression that the rate changes happen willy-nilly or that they may happen again soon. The document needs to break the news with losing the customers trust and faith in the companies reliability. So the clear language isn't good writing in that sense. If the gas company gives too much information too easily, the customer my think that the decision to raise rates was made with the same brevity.
Rude 22.2
I am now typing a paragraph that I can make Times New Roman and then Helvetica. I am supposed to compare the two typefaces. I am supposed to ask myself if the typeface is inviting, sophisticated, masculine, elegant. The one thing I hate about Times are the fat little lower case Es. They look bloated because where the crossbar is too thin. With Helvetica, I really like the upper case Rs. They are wide and sturdy. My favorite serifed font is probably Didot or Bodoni. They are clean, slim, and elegant but firm. My favorite san-serif font is probably Helvetica.
I am now typing a paragraph that I can make Times New Roman and then Helvetica. I am supposed to compare the two typefaces. I am supposed to ask myself if the typeface is inviting, sophisticated, masculine, elegant. The one thing I hate about Times are the fat little lower case Es. They look bloated because where the crossbar is too thin. With Helvetica, I really like the upper case Rs. They are wide and sturdy. My favorite serifed font is probably Didot or Bodoni. They are clean, slim, and elegant but firm. My favorite san-serif font is probably Helvetica.
Because Helvetica was not available in my browser, I chose Trebuchet as the sans-serif. Times is very straightforward, no frills, and familiar. It is very readable and serves its purpose without drawing attention to itself. I still hate the chubby little Es. It is also condensed as the paragraph above in times is almost a full line shorter than in Trebuchet.
Trebuchet is fun as it uses the old school lower case A and G while being thick and sturdy but curvaceous. Trebuchet also feels open and airy. I like it, but it is not a font that is taken seriously. You'd never use it on a job resume (unless you were applying to work at a bouncy house factory.)
I am now typing a paragraph that I can make Times New Roman and then Helvetica. I am supposed to compare the two typefaces. I am supposed to ask myself if the typeface is inviting, sophisticated, masculine, elegant. The one thing I hate about Times are the fat little lower case Es. They look bloated because where the crossbar is too thin. With Helvetica, I really like the upper case Rs. They are wide and sturdy. My favorite serifed font is probably Didot or Bodoni. They are clean, slim, and elegant but firm. My favorite san-serif font is probably Helvetica.
Because Helvetica was not available in my browser, I chose Trebuchet as the sans-serif. Times is very straightforward, no frills, and familiar. It is very readable and serves its purpose without drawing attention to itself. I still hate the chubby little Es. It is also condensed as the paragraph above in times is almost a full line shorter than in Trebuchet.
Trebuchet is fun as it uses the old school lower case A and G while being thick and sturdy but curvaceous. Trebuchet also feels open and airy. I like it, but it is not a font that is taken seriously. You'd never use it on a job resume (unless you were applying to work at a bouncy house factory.)
Rude 21.1
These are four situations when the ethics of technical editing need to be addressed. I will discuss the legal and ethical issues involved, speculate how to minimize conflict, and propose options for action.
A. In this situation, the legal issues the company faces are whether they can be held responsible if a person using their program makes an error that is in the instruction manual, but not clearly delineated. The editor wants to mark the warnings with the word "warning" highlighted by a color and in all capital letters, while the boss doesn't want warnings to be highlighted because s/he thought it would make the program seem problematic and deficient. Legally, the company needs to include language that will prevent data loss and other user error. Ethically, the company needs to determine how clear these warnings need to be without making themselves and their product look bad.
My proposition for action would be to determine three different levels of warning based on the direness of the consequences of the error and establishing three different ways to label them. My suggestion was two have a Notice level, a Warning level, and then a Highlighted Warning level.
B. In this situation, cigarette manufacturers are required to print warnings on labels, but sometimes the typography used on the labels can impair readability. The legal aspect of this situation is that the companies are required by law to post the warnings. I am not sure exactly what the law specifies about the labeling, but whatever they are, the cigarette companies need to comply with them. The ethical aspect of this issue comes in when the cigarette company can make decision about particular aspects of the typography. Should they make the warnings as easy to read as possible and be sure that customers can read the labels, or should they merely comply with the law and, if possible, hinder the customer ability or willingness to read the warnings? I believe that many of the questions of the typography used have to do with the designer doing the best they can to meet the requirements of the law while meeting the design requirements of the manufacturers. I think that cigarette companies must meet the requirements of the laws for sure and I think the packaging designers should work with good design principles and use good type. Making something ugly is almost as bad as making something that can harm someone' s health (that's an exaggeration). I don't feel like it's a technical editor's position to make too many decisions about this.
C.In this situation, a technical editor is trying to decide if all the warning about a certain product should be lumped together in the front of the user manual, however, good design principles indicate that usability of the information would increase if it were spread throughout the book in the appropriate places (or even in both places as redundancy can work to decrease user error). The legal and ethical implications are the same for the user manual of the computer program in scenario A. The company needs to "cover" themselves by putting the information in the booklet. But they face the ethical dilemma of how much they repeat the information. The big legal question is, can someone have a case against the company if they are somehow injured by the product and the warning in the user manual was included but not clearly delineated? The ethical question is, how much are we responsible for making the information in this manual easy to use?
Again, according to good design principles, redundancy will improve usability and create consistency and flow in the user manual, so that's what I would do. The designer has a responsibility to be a good designer and anticipate how a user will use the information and thus present it in the best way. The problem comes when a boss doesn't want too many warnings, or the user manual has to be produced on a short budget or the designer faces some other kinds of limitations. Then compromises need to be made.
D. In this last situation a company creating a marketing flier uses shading a scale to make a graph seem steeper than it is. The flyer is not meant to be persuasive. The legal issues are if a potential investor can feel deceived by this information and hold the company responsible for any loss s/he incurred. The ethical issues are if a company must present all it's data in the clearest way possible all the time. A question that needs to be answered is, who is responsible for the interpretation of the data in the graph, the producer or the reader. I believe that both parties are equally to blame when miscommunication occurs. The flyer shouldn't rely entirely on fancy graphs to convey information and readers should read graphs with a critical eye especially when money is involved.
A. In this situation, the legal issues the company faces are whether they can be held responsible if a person using their program makes an error that is in the instruction manual, but not clearly delineated. The editor wants to mark the warnings with the word "warning" highlighted by a color and in all capital letters, while the boss doesn't want warnings to be highlighted because s/he thought it would make the program seem problematic and deficient. Legally, the company needs to include language that will prevent data loss and other user error. Ethically, the company needs to determine how clear these warnings need to be without making themselves and their product look bad.
My proposition for action would be to determine three different levels of warning based on the direness of the consequences of the error and establishing three different ways to label them. My suggestion was two have a Notice level, a Warning level, and then a Highlighted Warning level.
B. In this situation, cigarette manufacturers are required to print warnings on labels, but sometimes the typography used on the labels can impair readability. The legal aspect of this situation is that the companies are required by law to post the warnings. I am not sure exactly what the law specifies about the labeling, but whatever they are, the cigarette companies need to comply with them. The ethical aspect of this issue comes in when the cigarette company can make decision about particular aspects of the typography. Should they make the warnings as easy to read as possible and be sure that customers can read the labels, or should they merely comply with the law and, if possible, hinder the customer ability or willingness to read the warnings? I believe that many of the questions of the typography used have to do with the designer doing the best they can to meet the requirements of the law while meeting the design requirements of the manufacturers. I think that cigarette companies must meet the requirements of the laws for sure and I think the packaging designers should work with good design principles and use good type. Making something ugly is almost as bad as making something that can harm someone' s health (that's an exaggeration). I don't feel like it's a technical editor's position to make too many decisions about this.
C.In this situation, a technical editor is trying to decide if all the warning about a certain product should be lumped together in the front of the user manual, however, good design principles indicate that usability of the information would increase if it were spread throughout the book in the appropriate places (or even in both places as redundancy can work to decrease user error). The legal and ethical implications are the same for the user manual of the computer program in scenario A. The company needs to "cover" themselves by putting the information in the booklet. But they face the ethical dilemma of how much they repeat the information. The big legal question is, can someone have a case against the company if they are somehow injured by the product and the warning in the user manual was included but not clearly delineated? The ethical question is, how much are we responsible for making the information in this manual easy to use?
Again, according to good design principles, redundancy will improve usability and create consistency and flow in the user manual, so that's what I would do. The designer has a responsibility to be a good designer and anticipate how a user will use the information and thus present it in the best way. The problem comes when a boss doesn't want too many warnings, or the user manual has to be produced on a short budget or the designer faces some other kinds of limitations. Then compromises need to be made.
D. In this last situation a company creating a marketing flier uses shading a scale to make a graph seem steeper than it is. The flyer is not meant to be persuasive. The legal issues are if a potential investor can feel deceived by this information and hold the company responsible for any loss s/he incurred. The ethical issues are if a company must present all it's data in the clearest way possible all the time. A question that needs to be answered is, who is responsible for the interpretation of the data in the graph, the producer or the reader. I believe that both parties are equally to blame when miscommunication occurs. The flyer shouldn't rely entirely on fancy graphs to convey information and readers should read graphs with a critical eye especially when money is involved.
Rude 19.1
I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this document is. It discusses how The Society (a portentous name) uses and gains their funding, and so it seems like they are asking for money or proposing ways to get more money, however, the document never explicitly asks for money or formally makes a proposal. The text's purpose is unclear, but the graphs' purposes are clear. The first pie chart shows where money is spent and is labeled "Expenses." The labeling on the pie chart doesn't is awkward; instead of labeling the pie chart itself, the reader is given a reference number to find in the legend. The chart would be much easier to read if the labels and percentages were given on the chart itself. Also, there is no reason why the legend should not be listed in some kind of order, and greatest to smallest makes the most sense. Because the percentages are given in the table below the chart, the chart doesn't do much good anyway, it could be removed with no loss of information. Also, there is no need to give a total of 100%. It is assumed that all the pieces of a pie chart add up to 100%. The same is true for the second graph. The legend needs to be put in order from greatest to smallest, and the chart needs to be labeled better or gotten rid of. The pie charts have no color. While I believe that black and white pie charts are useless unless there are only three or four slices, I don't think that colorless charts solve that problem. The information is supposed to make sense at first glance, when a reader has to look up a reference number, the graph is not serving it's purpose.
The text is pretty bad at getting to the point. It barely does, and does so at the end of the last paragraph. The text should start with the proposal and purpose of the document instead a common sense description of how committees work. The last paragraph, especially the parts that show the increases in reserves should be moved to the front.
The text is pretty bad at getting to the point. It barely does, and does so at the end of the last paragraph. The text should start with the proposal and purpose of the document instead a common sense description of how committees work. The last paragraph, especially the parts that show the increases in reserves should be moved to the front.
Williams 9.3
These sentences have been edited to add strength to the ending. The directions said to end the sentence with a nominalized adjective, but that seemed silly to me. So I tried instead to end with a concrete noun.
1. If we invest our sweat in these projects, we must avoid appearing to work only because we are only interested in ourselves.
2. The plan for political campaign was concocted by those who were not sensitive to our most critical needs.
3. Throughout history, science has made progress because dedicated scientists have ignored a hostile, uniformed public.
4. Not one tendency in our govermental system has brought about more changes in American daily life than powerful federal government agencies.
5. The day is gone when school systems' board of education have the expectation that local taxpayers will automatically go along with the extravagant decisions of incompetent bureaucrats.
1. If we invest our sweat in these projects, we must avoid appearing to work only because we are only interested in ourselves.
2. The plan for political campaign was concocted by those who were not sensitive to our most critical needs.
3. Throughout history, science has made progress because dedicated scientists have ignored a hostile, uniformed public.
4. Not one tendency in our govermental system has brought about more changes in American daily life than powerful federal government agencies.
5. The day is gone when school systems' board of education have the expectation that local taxpayers will automatically go along with the extravagant decisions of incompetent bureaucrats.
Rude 16.7
The stylistic devices web editors use to achieve brevity include links to more information, summaries, previews, and short clear sentences.
Rude 15.5, 6, 7
5.
This passage has been edited to give each clause a human agent.
Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party in lieu of incarceration. During probation, a probation officer supervises the offender in the community for a predetermined period of time. If the offender complies with the terms and conditions of the probation set by the court, the courts discharge him or her and consider the offender's debt to society paid. If the offender doesn't comply, courts may impose another method of sentence which may include incarceration.
6. The edited passage more clearly conveys who is responsible for what aspect of the probation process. The only thing sacrificed in the edited version is a clear word:definition set up, which is very helpful in textbooks. (The original read "probation is...") while this one places the emphasis on how probation works. However, the original gave a vague definition anyway. The structure of the paragraph is greatly improved by the parallel construction ("If the offender complies/doesn't comply... the courts...") and the consequences for the offender are much more clear. For this reason, a lawyer defending the offender might like the clarity, because, with the edited version, they couldn't argue whose responsibility it is that the offender comply, where as in the original they probably could.
7. In editing this passage, the I started at the beginning and edited each sentence in first to last. First I determined what the sentence was trying to say; I summarized the main information to myself. I usually do this by asking "Who is doing what to whom or what?" In the first sentence, I saw that the main topic of the sentence was "probation" and the main action is "imposed on," so I asked myself "Who imposes probation on whom?" I could find the whom, "a person found guilty of a crime" and I converted that phrase into a single noun with an adjective "guilty party." So I needed to come up with a "Who," and so I posited "Courts" as the actors, although "Judges," "prosecutors," and many other words could have worked as well. So I have the meat of the sentence, "Courts impose probation on a guilty party." But then I realized that an important part of the sentence was describing probation as a method of sentencing a person. So I had to incorporate that into the sentence. I decided to keep "Courts" as the actor and change the verb to the much less specific "use" so I could include the information about probation being a method of sentencing. The final sentence I ended up with was, "Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party."
Then as I moved onto the next sentence, I realized that it would have the same actor, and many of the same words which would sound repetitive. The original sentence was "It is a court-ordered sentence in lieu of incarceration." Following the same process as the last sentence, I came up with the sentence, "Courts order probation on guilty parties in lieu of incarceration." Since the main meat of this sentence is the same as the main meat of the sentence previous, I decided to tack the new information in this sentence "in lieu of incarceration," onto the first sentence. Thus, it became what you read above.
I followed a similar process of asking myself who the actors were, what the action was, and whom was receiving the action to find the meat of the sentence. After that I compared that to make sure it conveyed all the same ideas that the original sentence had, and if it didn't reworking it until all the important ideas were included. Then I compared the sentence with what comes before and after it to make sure no information is left out or repeated.
This passage has been edited to give each clause a human agent.
Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party in lieu of incarceration. During probation, a probation officer supervises the offender in the community for a predetermined period of time. If the offender complies with the terms and conditions of the probation set by the court, the courts discharge him or her and consider the offender's debt to society paid. If the offender doesn't comply, courts may impose another method of sentence which may include incarceration.
6. The edited passage more clearly conveys who is responsible for what aspect of the probation process. The only thing sacrificed in the edited version is a clear word:definition set up, which is very helpful in textbooks. (The original read "probation is...") while this one places the emphasis on how probation works. However, the original gave a vague definition anyway. The structure of the paragraph is greatly improved by the parallel construction ("If the offender complies/doesn't comply... the courts...") and the consequences for the offender are much more clear. For this reason, a lawyer defending the offender might like the clarity, because, with the edited version, they couldn't argue whose responsibility it is that the offender comply, where as in the original they probably could.
7. In editing this passage, the I started at the beginning and edited each sentence in first to last. First I determined what the sentence was trying to say; I summarized the main information to myself. I usually do this by asking "Who is doing what to whom or what?" In the first sentence, I saw that the main topic of the sentence was "probation" and the main action is "imposed on," so I asked myself "Who imposes probation on whom?" I could find the whom, "a person found guilty of a crime" and I converted that phrase into a single noun with an adjective "guilty party." So I needed to come up with a "Who," and so I posited "Courts" as the actors, although "Judges," "prosecutors," and many other words could have worked as well. So I have the meat of the sentence, "Courts impose probation on a guilty party." But then I realized that an important part of the sentence was describing probation as a method of sentencing a person. So I had to incorporate that into the sentence. I decided to keep "Courts" as the actor and change the verb to the much less specific "use" so I could include the information about probation being a method of sentencing. The final sentence I ended up with was, "Courts use probation as a method to sentence a guilty party."
Then as I moved onto the next sentence, I realized that it would have the same actor, and many of the same words which would sound repetitive. The original sentence was "It is a court-ordered sentence in lieu of incarceration." Following the same process as the last sentence, I came up with the sentence, "Courts order probation on guilty parties in lieu of incarceration." Since the main meat of this sentence is the same as the main meat of the sentence previous, I decided to tack the new information in this sentence "in lieu of incarceration," onto the first sentence. Thus, it became what you read above.
I followed a similar process of asking myself who the actors were, what the action was, and whom was receiving the action to find the meat of the sentence. After that I compared that to make sure it conveyed all the same ideas that the original sentence had, and if it didn't reworking it until all the important ideas were included. Then I compared the sentence with what comes before and after it to make sure no information is left out or repeated.
Rude 15.4
In a manual for volunteers assisting probation officers:
The sentences in this piece are short and contain only one main idea. This makes the sentences easier to read; however, the advanced vocabulary in the paragraph hinders all the readability that the short sentences create. The information is basic and straightforward, and, aside from the vocabulary, would work well to give basic information to a volunteer. The audience will need to know what probation is and how it works quickly in order to understand what their jobs will entail so they can move onto specifics. The terse, simple prose works well in this situation as well.
In a law textbook:
Unless this is a basic law textbook (like an Intro to Law class textbook) this sentence would be too basic. The vocabulary would probably be more appropriate for this audience, but they would probably already have an understanding of probation and this passage could seem below them. However, the simple sentence constructions would work well in a textbook when the purpose of the prose is to inform because each sentence conveys one idea and the reader can easily follow the meanings and definitions of the words.
The sentences in this piece are short and contain only one main idea. This makes the sentences easier to read; however, the advanced vocabulary in the paragraph hinders all the readability that the short sentences create. The information is basic and straightforward, and, aside from the vocabulary, would work well to give basic information to a volunteer. The audience will need to know what probation is and how it works quickly in order to understand what their jobs will entail so they can move onto specifics. The terse, simple prose works well in this situation as well.
In a law textbook:
Unless this is a basic law textbook (like an Intro to Law class textbook) this sentence would be too basic. The vocabulary would probably be more appropriate for this audience, but they would probably already have an understanding of probation and this passage could seem below them. However, the simple sentence constructions would work well in a textbook when the purpose of the prose is to inform because each sentence conveys one idea and the reader can easily follow the meanings and definitions of the words.
Williams 8.2
(I felt like Tom Brokaw was speaking in my head as I wrote these. In fact, I suggest reading these like a new anchor.)
1. Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, basics that students do not now know.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, a change that many liberals see as a sign of the end of the world.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, maintaining a status quo that hasn't ever worked for anyone.
2. Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, requirements that are squeezing already tight budgets.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, a challenge that GM is not yet ready to meet.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, assuring that all cars on the road will be safer.
3. The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a puzzle that will soon be solved by Chuck Norris.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a mystery that rivals any game of clue you've ever played.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, engaging the greatest minds in what seems to be a losing battle.
4. The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, an insecurity that cripples our already-senile friends.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, a failure that has divided these two generations in more ways than one.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, resulting in the stupid hairstyles and fashion choices of the rising generation.
5. The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, issues that will need to be addressed before mutants and zombies start taking over the Caribbean.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, an event that will continue to "test" us forever.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, resulting in many people kicking themselves out of churches they once loved and abandoning beliefs they once cherished.
6. Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a suggestion that later evolved into The Origin of Species.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a reaction that secular humanists find puritanical and dimwitted.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, intimating that God did not create man whole and complete as the bible suggested.
7. During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, thoughts that would ultimately define the messed up western world we live in now.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, a circumstance that would allow the greatest minds of western history to shine.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, allowing the free exchange of philosophical ideas.
8. Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a focus that brings in the big bucks while leaving the public like a deer in the headlights.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a change that many welcome because of the increasing number of photos of topless women in the local newspaper.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, stripping journalism of whatever semblance of objectivity and reliability it ever had.
1. Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, basics that students do not now know.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, a change that many liberals see as a sign of the end of the world.
Many school systems are returning to traditional education in the basics, maintaining a status quo that hasn't ever worked for anyone.
2. Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, requirements that are squeezing already tight budgets.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, a challenge that GM is not yet ready to meet.
Within the last few years, automobile manufacturers have been trying to meet new and more stringent quality control requirements, assuring that all cars on the road will be safer.
3. The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a puzzle that will soon be solved by Chuck Norris.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, a mystery that rivals any game of clue you've ever played.
The causes of aging are a puzzle that has perplexed humanity for millennia, engaging the greatest minds in what seems to be a losing battle.
4. The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, an insecurity that cripples our already-senile friends.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, a failure that has divided these two generations in more ways than one.
The majority of young people cannot even begin to understand the insecurity that many older people experienced during the Great Depression, resulting in the stupid hairstyles and fashion choices of the rising generation.
5. The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, issues that will need to be addressed before mutants and zombies start taking over the Caribbean.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, an event that will continue to "test" us forever.
The successful accomplishment of test-tube embryo fertilization has raised many ethical issues that continue to trouble both scientists and laypeople, resulting in many people kicking themselves out of churches they once loved and abandoning beliefs they once cherished.
6. Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a suggestion that later evolved into The Origin of Species.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, a reaction that secular humanists find puritanical and dimwitted.
Many who lived during the Victorian Era were appalled when Darwin suggested that their ancestry might have included creatures related to apes, intimating that God did not create man whole and complete as the bible suggested.
7. During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, thoughts that would ultimately define the messed up western world we live in now.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, a circumstance that would allow the greatest minds of western history to shine.
During the Renaissance, political affluence and stability allowed differing streams of thought to merge and flow together, allowing the free exchange of philosophical ideas.
8. Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a focus that brings in the big bucks while leaving the public like a deer in the headlights.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, a change that many welcome because of the increasing number of photos of topless women in the local newspaper.
Journalism has increasingly focused on news stories and events that at one time in were considered to be only salacious and sexual gossip, stripping journalism of whatever semblance of objectivity and reliability it ever had.
Williams 8.1
These sentences originally had long introductory clauses.
1. Proponents of workfare are premature in their recommendation because it has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare and evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available.
2. While teachers, administators, and even newspapers hotly debate the topic of grade inflation, employers easily identify candidates with high levels of technical and analytical skills.
3. Foreign criminal justice systems may prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs by moving cases faster through their systems and imposing stiffer penalties to; however, no one expects the judges who hear these cases to improve their expertise any time in the immediate future.
4. According to school security officials, local principles may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building. Therefore, the total package of school security must educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing anything that looks like a weapon onto school property.
5. The music industry's image is not likely to improve if they ignore the problem of applying the same rating system to FM and AM radio that is applied to offensive lyrics, even if they were willing to discuss a system that could be used to sell music in retail stores.
These sentences originally had long subjects.
6. Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die. To explain this decision we must understand the audience's reaction to Macbeth's death.
7. If the film industry and television producers agreed to limit characters using cigarettes, and even if they carried it out, it would do little to discourage young people from smoking.
8. Students have the right to have access to their own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers. These rights will generally take precedence over an institution's desires to keep records private, except when students agree to limit those rights under specified circumstances at registration.
These sentences originally contained an interruption.
9. The construction of the Interstate Highway system ran into serious financial problems because congress, when they originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate inflation.
10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior is to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline, regardless of the reasons to justify it.
11. TV "reality" shows are about the most popular regularly scheduled shows because they appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict and voyeuristic impulses.
12. Cigarette companies no longer insist that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as heart diseases and malignant growth when there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking and such diseases.
13. Unless there is a marked reduction, the unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of our world.
1. Proponents of workfare are premature in their recommendation because it has not yet been shown to be a successful alternative to welfare and evidence showing its ability to provide meaningful employment for welfare recipients is not yet available.
2. While teachers, administators, and even newspapers hotly debate the topic of grade inflation, employers easily identify candidates with high levels of technical and analytical skills.
3. Foreign criminal justice systems may prevent foreign piracy of videos and CDs by moving cases faster through their systems and imposing stiffer penalties to; however, no one expects the judges who hear these cases to improve their expertise any time in the immediate future.
4. According to school security officials, local principles may require students to pass through metal detectors before entering a school building. Therefore, the total package of school security must educate parents and students about the seriousness of bringing anything that looks like a weapon onto school property.
5. The music industry's image is not likely to improve if they ignore the problem of applying the same rating system to FM and AM radio that is applied to offensive lyrics, even if they were willing to discuss a system that could be used to sell music in retail stores.
These sentences originally had long subjects.
6. Shakespeare decided to have Lady Macbeth die off stage rather than letting the audience see her die. To explain this decision we must understand the audience's reaction to Macbeth's death.
7. If the film industry and television producers agreed to limit characters using cigarettes, and even if they carried it out, it would do little to discourage young people from smoking.
8. Students have the right to have access to their own records, including medical records, academic reports, and confidential comments by advisers. These rights will generally take precedence over an institution's desires to keep records private, except when students agree to limit those rights under specified circumstances at registration.
These sentences originally contained an interruption.
9. The construction of the Interstate Highway system ran into serious financial problems because congress, when they originally voted funds for it, did not anticipate inflation.
10. Such prejudicial conduct or behavior is to some degree prejudicial to good order and discipline, regardless of the reasons to justify it.
11. TV "reality" shows are about the most popular regularly scheduled shows because they appeal to our fascination with real-life conflict and voyeuristic impulses.
12. Cigarette companies no longer insist that there is no proof by scientific means of a causal link between tobacco consumption and various disease entities such as heart diseases and malignant growth when there is a strong statistical correlation between smoking and such diseases.
13. Unless there is a marked reduction, the unabated emission of carbon dioxide gas into the atmosphere will eventually result in serious changes in the climate of our world.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Rude 23.1
In order to create a useful, high-quality anthology of articles on the subject of computer documentation, we have decided to use both previously published articles and solicit a few writers in the field to create new articles.
Our plan is to find four of the top names in the field and ask each of them to produce an article about the field and also serve as the review board for the three other members of the board. Each person will produce one article and review three. These professionals can also be a guide to choosing the most important articles that will best serve the anthology. We will also invite the authors of the previously published articles to write a preface for the anthology.
In order to prepare copy for the anthology, we will need to get all of the final copies of the files (original articles, prefaces, author bios, and new reviewed articles) submitted electronically into one text document. We will create a style and template for the pages and reformat all of the articles to fit.
We want to produce this anthology with little money, so we will go with a two column page with smaller margins and deal with the template problems this produces. We will also not have any additional materials added onto the articles (reference lists, or prompts for finding more information). There will also be a bio sketch for each author at the end of the book.
Our plan is to find four of the top names in the field and ask each of them to produce an article about the field and also serve as the review board for the three other members of the board. Each person will produce one article and review three. These professionals can also be a guide to choosing the most important articles that will best serve the anthology. We will also invite the authors of the previously published articles to write a preface for the anthology.
In order to prepare copy for the anthology, we will need to get all of the final copies of the files (original articles, prefaces, author bios, and new reviewed articles) submitted electronically into one text document. We will create a style and template for the pages and reformat all of the articles to fit.
We want to produce this anthology with little money, so we will go with a two column page with smaller margins and deal with the template problems this produces. We will also not have any additional materials added onto the articles (reference lists, or prompts for finding more information). There will also be a bio sketch for each author at the end of the book.
Williams 7.4
These sentences have been edited to eliminate metadiscourse and redundancy.
1. There may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient interests.
2. The standard approach to plea bargaining may need to be dispensed with because criminals may avoid receiving a just punishment and it seems to encourage a lack of respect for the judicial system.
3. There is one basic principle of making decisions regarding protecting unspoiled areas from commercial exploitation.
4. We can assume that there are no terrestrial-type snakes surpassing the size of known species.
5. For some, the educational system has exceeded the family as a major source of social value transmission.
1. There may always be TV programming to appeal to our most prurient interests.
2. The standard approach to plea bargaining may need to be dispensed with because criminals may avoid receiving a just punishment and it seems to encourage a lack of respect for the judicial system.
3. There is one basic principle of making decisions regarding protecting unspoiled areas from commercial exploitation.
4. We can assume that there are no terrestrial-type snakes surpassing the size of known species.
5. For some, the educational system has exceeded the family as a major source of social value transmission.
Williams 7.3
These sentences will be (1) edited to eliminate metadiscourse, and (2) rewritten as a statement, so that I can (3) evaluate the claim.
1. This essay will survey research in schemata theory as applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving.
Schemata theory is applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving.
self-evident, makes no claim
2. I will analyze Frost's use of imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career.
Frost used imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career.
Uninteresting claim
3. The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 resulting in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict are the topic of this study.
The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 result in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict.
Interesting Claim
4. In this essay, I analyze the mistaken assumption underlying Freud's interpretation of dreams.
A mistaken assumption underlies Freud's interpretation of dreams.
Interesting, but vague
5. We will consider scientific thinking and its historical roots in connection with the influence of Egypt on Greek thought.
Scientific thinking has historical roots and Egypt influenced greek thought and these two statements are connected somehow.
Possibly interesting but vague and doesn't make much sense.
6. This article discusses needle sharing among drug users.
Drug users share needles.
Uninteresting claim
7. The relationship between birth order and academic success will be explored.
There is a relationship between birth order and academic success.
Uninteresting and vague
8. I intend to address the problem of the reasons for the failure and success of trade embargoes in this century.
Trade embargoes in this century have failed and succeeded for reasons.
No claim made, vague, uninteresting
1. This essay will survey research in schemata theory as applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving.
Schemata theory is applied to the pedagogy of mathematical problem solving.
self-evident, makes no claim
2. I will analyze Frost's use of imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career.
Frost used imagery of seasons in his longer poems published at the end of his career.
Uninteresting claim
3. The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 resulting in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict are the topic of this study.
The methodological differences between English and American histories of the War of 1812 result in radically differing interpretations of the cause of the conflict.
Interesting Claim
4. In this essay, I analyze the mistaken assumption underlying Freud's interpretation of dreams.
A mistaken assumption underlies Freud's interpretation of dreams.
Interesting, but vague
5. We will consider scientific thinking and its historical roots in connection with the influence of Egypt on Greek thought.
Scientific thinking has historical roots and Egypt influenced greek thought and these two statements are connected somehow.
Possibly interesting but vague and doesn't make much sense.
6. This article discusses needle sharing among drug users.
Drug users share needles.
Uninteresting claim
7. The relationship between birth order and academic success will be explored.
There is a relationship between birth order and academic success.
Uninteresting and vague
8. I intend to address the problem of the reasons for the failure and success of trade embargoes in this century.
Trade embargoes in this century have failed and succeeded for reasons.
No claim made, vague, uninteresting
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Rude 20.2
A department committee will meet for strategic planning to identify goals for surviving in light of the new policies of retrenchment. We will have to dig in to fight the misunderstanding of management about the department needs and goals. If our current funding is reduced, we will not be able to play on a level playing field with the competition. It appears that the vice president is trying to do an end run around our department manager.
Phrases from this English document that will not translate:
-survive
-in light of
-retrenchment
-dig in to fight the misunderstanding
-play on a level playing field
-do an end run
The war metaphors will seem out of place and possibly offensive to other cultures, while the sports metaphors will not translate well.
This is the same document translated into Norwegian and then back into English.
A department committee will meet for strategic planning to identify goals for existence in the light of the new policy of retrenchment. We must dig in to fight the misconception of the management of the department's needs and goals. If our current funding is reduced, we will not be able to play on a level playing field with competitors. It appears that the vice president is trying to do an end run around our department.
While many of the idioms came across word for word in the translation, there is little chance the connotations of the metaphors will translate as clearly. Two important words were replaced, "existence" for "surviving" and "misconception" for "misunderstanding." Surviving requires more work and involves more risk than merely existing, so there is little chance the foreign audience will understand the metaphor of the companies fight to survive. Instead of sounding like the company is fighting to stay at the top of many other companies, it almost sounds more like the company is about to go under completely. Also, if management has a misconception it is their own fault, whereas if the management misunderstood, it is possible that both parties involved in the communication are at fault.
Phrases from this English document that will not translate:
-survive
-in light of
-retrenchment
-dig in to fight the misunderstanding
-play on a level playing field
-do an end run
The war metaphors will seem out of place and possibly offensive to other cultures, while the sports metaphors will not translate well.
This is the same document translated into Norwegian and then back into English.
A department committee will meet for strategic planning to identify goals for existence in the light of the new policy of retrenchment. We must dig in to fight the misconception of the management of the department's needs and goals. If our current funding is reduced, we will not be able to play on a level playing field with competitors. It appears that the vice president is trying to do an end run around our department.
While many of the idioms came across word for word in the translation, there is little chance the connotations of the metaphors will translate as clearly. Two important words were replaced, "existence" for "surviving" and "misconception" for "misunderstanding." Surviving requires more work and involves more risk than merely existing, so there is little chance the foreign audience will understand the metaphor of the companies fight to survive. Instead of sounding like the company is fighting to stay at the top of many other companies, it almost sounds more like the company is about to go under completely. Also, if management has a misconception it is their own fault, whereas if the management misunderstood, it is possible that both parties involved in the communication are at fault.
Rude 17.7
In this post, I will examine my own writing for cohesion.
Here is a paragraph from my blog. I will bold words that carry over from one sentence to the next and italicize words that are contrasted.
I just finished reading Writing Space by Jay David Bolter, and in it he talks about how electronic media has brought an end to authority in many of the ways Deconstructionism and Postmodern thought has. The fixed literary canon of western writers like Emerson, Fitzgerald, Whitman, Dickenson, Joyce, Milton, etc. have been seen in the academic world as infallible monuments of great writing, and anyone who wants to be considered intelligent or literate better read and understand these authors and what others have to say about them. It was a world of experts. Postmodern and Deconstructionist thinkers made a big effort to show the contradictions, fallibility, and fragmentation of these writers and try to remediate the attitude of worship for these authors and their texts. But he also points out that these thinkers were ultimately unsuccessful in changing how the majority of people think, and that the academy still wants monuments of good writing.
I fell like most of the paragraph is cohesive because important pieces of sentences are carried to the next sentence and elaborated upon. The main subjects of this paragraph (authority and how deconstructionism and postmodern theories challenge it) are found in each sentence. It contrasts the old world of academia with these new thinkers with the combination of infallible/fallibility. The last sentence is the only one that really presents a problem. It refers to a "he" which is somewhat easy to follow because the only singular male I have mentioned is Jay Bolter, so it is not difficult to pinpoint the antecedent. However, there are three long sentences between them. I should have repeated Bolter's name in the last sentence to clarify exactly who I was talking about. The last sentence is an important caveat to the whole paragraph and, because it contrasts what the rest of the paragraph is saying, I think it works that the cohesion also breaks there.
Here is a paragraph from my blog. I will bold words that carry over from one sentence to the next and italicize words that are contrasted.
I just finished reading Writing Space by Jay David Bolter, and in it he talks about how electronic media has brought an end to authority in many of the ways Deconstructionism and Postmodern thought has. The fixed literary canon of western writers like Emerson, Fitzgerald, Whitman, Dickenson, Joyce, Milton, etc. have been seen in the academic world as infallible monuments of great writing, and anyone who wants to be considered intelligent or literate better read and understand these authors and what others have to say about them. It was a world of experts. Postmodern and Deconstructionist thinkers made a big effort to show the contradictions, fallibility, and fragmentation of these writers and try to remediate the attitude of worship for these authors and their texts. But he also points out that these thinkers were ultimately unsuccessful in changing how the majority of people think, and that the academy still wants monuments of good writing.
I fell like most of the paragraph is cohesive because important pieces of sentences are carried to the next sentence and elaborated upon. The main subjects of this paragraph (authority and how deconstructionism and postmodern theories challenge it) are found in each sentence. It contrasts the old world of academia with these new thinkers with the combination of infallible/fallibility. The last sentence is the only one that really presents a problem. It refers to a "he" which is somewhat easy to follow because the only singular male I have mentioned is Jay Bolter, so it is not difficult to pinpoint the antecedent. However, there are three long sentences between them. I should have repeated Bolter's name in the last sentence to clarify exactly who I was talking about. The last sentence is an important caveat to the whole paragraph and, because it contrasts what the rest of the paragraph is saying, I think it works that the cohesion also breaks there.
Rude 17.1
I looked at the websites for the English Department and the History Department. There was little consistency, but both websites had two clear audiences, prospective students, and current students. They both offer the names of and information about faculty and courses offered. They both had sections for department news and events, although the English Department website more clearly delineated theirs. They both had different pages for Graduate and Undergraduate sections. The History Departments website more closely resembles Oklahoma State University's website, and was easier to navigate with a consistent navigation bar on the left side of the screen that always offered the same choices. I think it looks better that the History Department's site more closely matches the OSU pages, however, it makes it more bland and the artwork on the home page doesn't make any sense.
Williams 7.2
The first sentence is less clear. Perhaps the vagueness of the sentence leads many to misunderstand and not cancel their free trial offer and therefore be charged the first monthly fee. The simplest way to write this sentence would be "If you don't cancel your membership within the first thirty days, you will be charged the first monthly fee." But that sounds more like a threat. The company wants this part of the contract to feel like an option, not a warning.
Williams 7.1
This sentences have been edited to reduce redundancy
1. Critics use technical terms to analyze and discuss literary texts meaningfully.
2. Scientific research depends on accurate data to plausibly predict the future.
3. Teaching job prospects for Graduate students are uncertain.
4. Even though all firearm restrictions are hotly debated, the public should continue discussing them.
5. Most clinical patients expect little extra treatment because there problems can be treated without much time, effort or attention.
6. The Insured must provide the Insurer with receipts, checks, or other evidence of costs, unless expenses exceed $250.
7. If legislators reduce federal spending, the federal deficit can be reduced.
8. Continue medication if dizziness and nausea are present within six hours.
9. Without a full hearing to establish the contrary, everyone should be allowed to participate in cost-sharing educational programs.
10. Astronomers will only determine if the universe is open or closed after the mass of the universe is computed.
11. So long as taxpayers pay their taxes, the government will be able to pay its debts.
12. This country must develop tar sand, oil shale, and coal as sources of fuel, if we wish to stop being dependent on imported oil.
13. Only when the issue of papal authority is settled between Catholics and Protestants will a reconciliation begin between these two christian religions.
1. Critics use technical terms to analyze and discuss literary texts meaningfully.
2. Scientific research depends on accurate data to plausibly predict the future.
3. Teaching job prospects for Graduate students are uncertain.
4. Even though all firearm restrictions are hotly debated, the public should continue discussing them.
5. Most clinical patients expect little extra treatment because there problems can be treated without much time, effort or attention.
6. The Insured must provide the Insurer with receipts, checks, or other evidence of costs, unless expenses exceed $250.
7. If legislators reduce federal spending, the federal deficit can be reduced.
8. Continue medication if dizziness and nausea are present within six hours.
9. Without a full hearing to establish the contrary, everyone should be allowed to participate in cost-sharing educational programs.
10. Astronomers will only determine if the universe is open or closed after the mass of the universe is computed.
11. So long as taxpayers pay their taxes, the government will be able to pay its debts.
12. This country must develop tar sand, oil shale, and coal as sources of fuel, if we wish to stop being dependent on imported oil.
13. Only when the issue of papal authority is settled between Catholics and Protestants will a reconciliation begin between these two christian religions.
Carroll 5.1
For this post I will be creating an audience profile for strobist.blogspot.com, my favorite photography blog.
I'm cheating a little bit here, because Dave Hobby, the photographer behind the blog, actually publishes and references his demographic information often. Strobist visitors are middle to upper class males in many countries around the world who enjoy photography (either as a hobby or professionally) and have limited disposable income. The writing for the blog needs to be snarky, informative, and simple (for translation purposes and because men's heads are made of meat) and it never hurts to throw in some references to bikinis (although the site is almost entirely family friendly).
The visitors of the site are seeking photography tips and behind the scenes how-to information and informed reviews on the latest photography products. Hobby updates the blog somewhere close to three times a week. (Eerily, almost all posts were posted at 12:00 am.)
Hobby has a few competitors, Zach Arias, Joe McNalley, Chase Jarvis, Jeremy Cowart, Joey Lawrence, Scott Kelby, Dave Tejada and others. But the ways that the top photography bloggers deal with this competition is two-fold: each photographer has their particular niche--Dave Hobby is the DIY off camera MacGuyver-style photographer; and the instead of competing for the viewers attention as a scarce resource, they usually combine forces, link to each others blogs and share as much information as they can with each other. They know their audience wants as much information as they can get their hands on, and as soon as someone starts limiting the information they give out or seeing their knowledge as a scarcity, the sooner they stop following these photographer's blogs. In order to create content for the strobist site, then, I would need to work focus directly into the market Dave Hobby has created. This doesn't necessarily change what the present, just how to present it. Instead of just giving a link to a behind the scenes video from a photographer for instance, (something all photobloggers do) Hobby, closely analyzes the video and extracts all the available information from it. This extra close look at things is what Strobist readers expect, whereas visitors to other blogs would rather just watch the video and move on.
Hobby has done an incredible job of organizing the vast amounts of knowledge he has compiled in his blogs. He has an elaborate glossary as well as a search option, which makes finding information on his site very easy. He has a very consistent style that adds to the usability of the site. I wouldn't change anything, except as I mentioned before, I like it when links open in a new tab instead of the same window, and this site doesn't do that.
I'm cheating a little bit here, because Dave Hobby, the photographer behind the blog, actually publishes and references his demographic information often. Strobist visitors are middle to upper class males in many countries around the world who enjoy photography (either as a hobby or professionally) and have limited disposable income. The writing for the blog needs to be snarky, informative, and simple (for translation purposes and because men's heads are made of meat) and it never hurts to throw in some references to bikinis (although the site is almost entirely family friendly).
The visitors of the site are seeking photography tips and behind the scenes how-to information and informed reviews on the latest photography products. Hobby updates the blog somewhere close to three times a week. (Eerily, almost all posts were posted at 12:00 am.)
Hobby has a few competitors, Zach Arias, Joe McNalley, Chase Jarvis, Jeremy Cowart, Joey Lawrence, Scott Kelby, Dave Tejada and others. But the ways that the top photography bloggers deal with this competition is two-fold: each photographer has their particular niche--Dave Hobby is the DIY off camera MacGuyver-style photographer; and the instead of competing for the viewers attention as a scarce resource, they usually combine forces, link to each others blogs and share as much information as they can with each other. They know their audience wants as much information as they can get their hands on, and as soon as someone starts limiting the information they give out or seeing their knowledge as a scarcity, the sooner they stop following these photographer's blogs. In order to create content for the strobist site, then, I would need to work focus directly into the market Dave Hobby has created. This doesn't necessarily change what the present, just how to present it. Instead of just giving a link to a behind the scenes video from a photographer for instance, (something all photobloggers do) Hobby, closely analyzes the video and extracts all the available information from it. This extra close look at things is what Strobist readers expect, whereas visitors to other blogs would rather just watch the video and move on.
Hobby has done an incredible job of organizing the vast amounts of knowledge he has compiled in his blogs. He has an elaborate glossary as well as a search option, which makes finding information on his site very easy. He has a very consistent style that adds to the usability of the site. I wouldn't change anything, except as I mentioned before, I like it when links open in a new tab instead of the same window, and this site doesn't do that.
Carroll 4.2
For this assignment, we are supposed to find an article that needs to include a list. I looked for quite some time and could not find one. I lists are the default way to present information now. Finding an article without lists is the problem. There are certain situations that require a list, present options, giving multiple versions of the same thing, and presenting many items that all fit into the same category.
This doesn't happen all that much, and I think that we've been (or at least I've been) in the web world so much now, that starting a list is second nature to me. I think a much more interesting challenge would be to create a very usable, but very text-heavy website. This blog offers some tips. I think most of us are too quick to start dividing up long blocks of text. I know that as soon as I see more than 250 words strung together in one block my mind almost blocks it out and starts looking for pictures, highlighted or bolded words, or anything else that can help me "read" the text without actually having to read it.
Lists also don't work for every situation because there is too much information to present about each item. Lists don't do much good unless each item is less than 20 words or so. If you've got more to present than that, you should probably just rely on paragraph breaks to visually "chunk" the text.
So I didn't fulfill this assignment the way Carroll told me to. But I feel like I know when to use a list, why to use a list, and more importantly, I understand that a web editor shouldn't use a list only to "break up the text" or add visual interest. A list should serve a purpose and make a lot of information easier to handle.
This doesn't happen all that much, and I think that we've been (or at least I've been) in the web world so much now, that starting a list is second nature to me. I think a much more interesting challenge would be to create a very usable, but very text-heavy website. This blog offers some tips. I think most of us are too quick to start dividing up long blocks of text. I know that as soon as I see more than 250 words strung together in one block my mind almost blocks it out and starts looking for pictures, highlighted or bolded words, or anything else that can help me "read" the text without actually having to read it.
Lists also don't work for every situation because there is too much information to present about each item. Lists don't do much good unless each item is less than 20 words or so. If you've got more to present than that, you should probably just rely on paragraph breaks to visually "chunk" the text.
So I didn't fulfill this assignment the way Carroll told me to. But I feel like I know when to use a list, why to use a list, and more importantly, I understand that a web editor shouldn't use a list only to "break up the text" or add visual interest. A list should serve a purpose and make a lot of information easier to handle.
Carroll 3.1
The site I will be critiquing is an urban bicycling site I visit often called Urbanvelo.org.
Navigation
Urbanvelo wants visitors to come to the site as a hub of information on urban cycling. The main page is the blog, however, there are seven main pages at the top of the screen. Each has the same navigation at the top of the screen. These pages are "Magazine Downloads," "Subscribe," "Merchandise," "Blog," "Product Reviews," "Product News," and "Contact." If we assume that they placed these links in descending order of importance, than we learn a lot about urbanvelo: they are foremost a magazine; they want the blog readers to go to the magazine and subscribe, view, and download the magazine before (or as) they view the blog. They also want to sell their products, which consist mainly of t-shirts and stickers, before people read their blog or at the very least they want the blog readers to be constantly reminded of the magazine and the merchandise. We can also see that they understand their audience very well. The blog contains links to news stories, videos, and interesting stuff that is (sometimes loosely) related to biking. But at the top of the page they give two more options for how to read the blog "Product reviews" and "Product news." They know that many visitors to the blog only really care about what is new and hot in the world of urban cycling. So they give their readers the chance to see only what they want without wading through other blog entries. This site knows what is it for and who visits it and they make the experience very user friendly.
One glaring downfall is that all the links open up in the same window. When I navigate away from Urbanvelo, and view the contents of another site, I may have to click the back button up to 15 times or more just to get back to Urbanvelo and then renavigate back to where I was in the blog (which is annoying if I've fallen behind and have two or three pages to read). This is also a problem for Urbanvelo. One of the main uses of their site (for me at least) is to use the sponsored links down the right side of the home page to visit other manufacturers of biking products. When I do so, and the link opens in the same window, I have to repeat click back to Urbanvelo so many times I get frustrated and stop.
Aside from that, the navigation is consistent, logical and easy to use.
Page Layouts
Urbanvelo's site relies highly on the accepted blog convention of heavy vertical-scrolling pages. This is a problem for sites in which you want to get all the vital information quickly, but works well for leisurely browsing sites like Urbanvelo. Most visitors to the site know that they will be doing a lot of vertical scrolling, so there's no problem that the long list of sponsors on the right side goes down for quite some time. I am already willing as a visitor to scroll for more information, because that's how blogs work.
Consistency
As I mentioned above, the navigation at the top is consistent, as well as the footer and the links down the side, which include links to featured articles, recent comments made by visitors, links to urbanvelo sites outside of the main site (like Facebook pages), and the sponsored links. These are all consistent on the main six pages. Only the information in the center window changes. This consistency doesn't work for pages without a lot of information like the "Merchandise" and "Contact" pages because without enough information to get the reader to scroll down, they won't see half of the links available to them. However, this problem is minimal as most users will use the main page to navigate to other links.
Also every link that requires the visitor click on a picture also has a text link that takes them to the same place. This redundancy is always a good idea.
Tone and Voice
The editors know what they are talking about and it shows, which works well because most visitors to the site are coming for well-informed reviews and synopsis of important events in the urban cycling world. Most posts are written in the second person and refer to themselves many times. There are times, however, that the talk get jargon heavy; for example, they assume the reader would know what a press-in bottom bracket converter would be. They balance this well though, with many of the posts being basic maintenance how-tos for those with less experience with the jargon. The writers are familiar with the audience, which when backed up with solid knowledge, makes for a very inviting and informative experience.
Navigation
Urbanvelo wants visitors to come to the site as a hub of information on urban cycling. The main page is the blog, however, there are seven main pages at the top of the screen. Each has the same navigation at the top of the screen. These pages are "Magazine Downloads," "Subscribe," "Merchandise," "Blog," "Product Reviews," "Product News," and "Contact." If we assume that they placed these links in descending order of importance, than we learn a lot about urbanvelo: they are foremost a magazine; they want the blog readers to go to the magazine and subscribe, view, and download the magazine before (or as) they view the blog. They also want to sell their products, which consist mainly of t-shirts and stickers, before people read their blog or at the very least they want the blog readers to be constantly reminded of the magazine and the merchandise. We can also see that they understand their audience very well. The blog contains links to news stories, videos, and interesting stuff that is (sometimes loosely) related to biking. But at the top of the page they give two more options for how to read the blog "Product reviews" and "Product news." They know that many visitors to the blog only really care about what is new and hot in the world of urban cycling. So they give their readers the chance to see only what they want without wading through other blog entries. This site knows what is it for and who visits it and they make the experience very user friendly.
One glaring downfall is that all the links open up in the same window. When I navigate away from Urbanvelo, and view the contents of another site, I may have to click the back button up to 15 times or more just to get back to Urbanvelo and then renavigate back to where I was in the blog (which is annoying if I've fallen behind and have two or three pages to read). This is also a problem for Urbanvelo. One of the main uses of their site (for me at least) is to use the sponsored links down the right side of the home page to visit other manufacturers of biking products. When I do so, and the link opens in the same window, I have to repeat click back to Urbanvelo so many times I get frustrated and stop.
Aside from that, the navigation is consistent, logical and easy to use.
Page Layouts
Urbanvelo's site relies highly on the accepted blog convention of heavy vertical-scrolling pages. This is a problem for sites in which you want to get all the vital information quickly, but works well for leisurely browsing sites like Urbanvelo. Most visitors to the site know that they will be doing a lot of vertical scrolling, so there's no problem that the long list of sponsors on the right side goes down for quite some time. I am already willing as a visitor to scroll for more information, because that's how blogs work.
Consistency
As I mentioned above, the navigation at the top is consistent, as well as the footer and the links down the side, which include links to featured articles, recent comments made by visitors, links to urbanvelo sites outside of the main site (like Facebook pages), and the sponsored links. These are all consistent on the main six pages. Only the information in the center window changes. This consistency doesn't work for pages without a lot of information like the "Merchandise" and "Contact" pages because without enough information to get the reader to scroll down, they won't see half of the links available to them. However, this problem is minimal as most users will use the main page to navigate to other links.
Also every link that requires the visitor click on a picture also has a text link that takes them to the same place. This redundancy is always a good idea.
Tone and Voice
The editors know what they are talking about and it shows, which works well because most visitors to the site are coming for well-informed reviews and synopsis of important events in the urban cycling world. Most posts are written in the second person and refer to themselves many times. There are times, however, that the talk get jargon heavy; for example, they assume the reader would know what a press-in bottom bracket converter would be. They balance this well though, with many of the posts being basic maintenance how-tos for those with less experience with the jargon. The writers are familiar with the audience, which when backed up with solid knowledge, makes for a very inviting and informative experience.
Williams 6.3
Number two is the best set up because the paragraph doesn't focus on the Romanov line, nor does it talk about how things changed, but instead focuses on the turmoil that happened as successions happened.
Rude 5.4
I tried to look at STC's magazine Intercom but an the site required that I have an account to access any of the articles.
I looked at the TCCC mailing list, but it didn't seem to have any of the information I was looking for. But it did have a lot of CFPs for cloud computing. I think this might be the next be thing in technical communication. Web 2.0 sites like Google Docs and others that make online collaboration user friendly can be the next big thing. I recently used Google Docs to make a presentation (powerpoint style) with a classmate. The collaboration part of it was flawless. We lost no information and neither of us had any problems creating the document. On top of that, there is some added security as the document automatically saves itself every few seconds, so if your computer dies, or someone kicks out the power cord, there is no need to worry; you haven't lost anything. I'm not one hundred percent sure about securing documents from outsiders, but it seems like most documents can only be accessed through an authorized Google account. The program wasn't as sophisticated as PowerPoint but very useful.
I imagine that a technical communicator is going to have to be very comfortable with using these kinds of cloud programs; comfortable with putting there information "out there" instead of stored on their own hard drive. It makes sense in a lot of ways, but it is scary.
I looked at the TCCC mailing list, but it didn't seem to have any of the information I was looking for. But it did have a lot of CFPs for cloud computing. I think this might be the next be thing in technical communication. Web 2.0 sites like Google Docs and others that make online collaboration user friendly can be the next big thing. I recently used Google Docs to make a presentation (powerpoint style) with a classmate. The collaboration part of it was flawless. We lost no information and neither of us had any problems creating the document. On top of that, there is some added security as the document automatically saves itself every few seconds, so if your computer dies, or someone kicks out the power cord, there is no need to worry; you haven't lost anything. I'm not one hundred percent sure about securing documents from outsiders, but it seems like most documents can only be accessed through an authorized Google account. The program wasn't as sophisticated as PowerPoint but very useful.
I imagine that a technical communicator is going to have to be very comfortable with using these kinds of cloud programs; comfortable with putting there information "out there" instead of stored on their own hard drive. It makes sense in a lot of ways, but it is scary.
Rude 5.3
Jobs for Technical Editors
Software knowledge required: Visio, Illustrator, Word, Powerpoint, SharePoint, Interpret and incorporate engineering source data in IETM database, Arbor Text Adept Editor Software (SGML Tagging), and IETMs.
Software knowledge required: Visio, Illustrator, Word, Powerpoint, SharePoint, Interpret and incorporate engineering source data in IETM database, Arbor Text Adept Editor Software (SGML Tagging), and IETMs.
Rude 14.2
For this assignment I will be analyzing the two page (one 8.5x11 sheet front and back) 2010-2011 Student Health Insurance Plan brochure.
Analysis of the Document's Purpose, Readers, and Uses
Purpose: This document is meant to give graduate assistants, TAs, and RAs information about the insurance they receive through the school. It should tell them what benefits they receive, coverages, and potential costs in a very easy to use document. Also, because health insurance is expensive and often confusing and daunting to deal with, so this document should assuage some of the those fears and concerns.
Readers: The readers of this document are graduate students, possibly international students, who can read well and have plenty of experience navigating difficult documents. They are probably between 21 and 30 years old and are using this document to see what kind of protection they have against accident or tragedy. Most likely they will be given this brochure mailed with forms or other information. Upon reading this document, it's possible they will be happy to learn of the benefits, but more than likely, they will be upset at they are still required to pay for certain things, that dental and vision are not covered, that visiting the doctor will require a co-pay, that coverage for spouse and children is very expensive, etc. I imagine most readers will either file the paper in a secure spot where they can reference it later, or toss it aside after they've read it, knowing that the information is easily available in other places. Because it is printed in black and white on cheap paper, it doesn't feel like a document you'd hang on to for a long time.
Evaluation of the Document
Content: The document contains all the information I think I'd need along with a disclaimer that it doesn't contain all the information anyone could want. It gives a link to a "Complete Brochure," so we can assume that there is more any additional information I'd want is there.
Order: The first section is "Who is eligible?" This is confusing as the first item because I imagine that almost all of the people seeing this document are already enrolled in the health insurance. This is not a recruiting document, so it would be better if it read something like, "If you are... you are already enrolled in this plan." With a heading of "Are you covered?" This would serve to reinforce that the coverage that the TA already has, rather than trying to find new people. The coverages and costs are on the back and easy enough to follow. However, there is no good heading for the costs of covering a child or spouse.
Visual Design and Navigation: The drop shadow on the top box is ugly, and it is especially ugly because it is inconsistent. There is no other box on the brochure with a drop shadow. The Picture shows a good enough variety of students who are perhaps a little younger than the target audience. The Bottom picture is a better choice I think in terms of age ( but it portrays a stereotypical white male grad student with glasses working on a laptop). The text under the first picture is in a scripty decorative font that doesn't match the rest of the brochure and is hard to read. There are six different fonts used on the brochure, when only three were necessary. The small single-spaced serifed text at the bottom of the first page and the italic small print on the top and bottom of the second page is difficult to read. It is the "fine print" of the brochure and contains warnings and caveats. The fonts match their purposes well, but the design could have been streamlined.
Style: The diction begins in a familiar second person tone, but then becomes overly formal quickly. The back contains legal jargon and tables with no easy to read text.
Changes to be made: I would advocate keeping the familiar diction throughout. The document pretends to be comforting but becomes menacing and cautionary pretty quickly. I would use three fonts only. The decorative font from the logo for all large letters (titles, headings, etc.) the light san-serif (arial) for the tables. bulleted lists and subheadings, and the serifed font (Palatino, I think) for all the body text. I would change the "Who is eligible?" to "Are you covered?" keeping with the familiar second person and better addressing the needs of the audience. I would add some text explaining the tables and how to read them. For example the table labeled "Premium Costs and Coverage Periods" should clearly be explained as optional costs to avoid confusion.
Analysis of the Document's Purpose, Readers, and Uses
Purpose: This document is meant to give graduate assistants, TAs, and RAs information about the insurance they receive through the school. It should tell them what benefits they receive, coverages, and potential costs in a very easy to use document. Also, because health insurance is expensive and often confusing and daunting to deal with, so this document should assuage some of the those fears and concerns.
Readers: The readers of this document are graduate students, possibly international students, who can read well and have plenty of experience navigating difficult documents. They are probably between 21 and 30 years old and are using this document to see what kind of protection they have against accident or tragedy. Most likely they will be given this brochure mailed with forms or other information. Upon reading this document, it's possible they will be happy to learn of the benefits, but more than likely, they will be upset at they are still required to pay for certain things, that dental and vision are not covered, that visiting the doctor will require a co-pay, that coverage for spouse and children is very expensive, etc. I imagine most readers will either file the paper in a secure spot where they can reference it later, or toss it aside after they've read it, knowing that the information is easily available in other places. Because it is printed in black and white on cheap paper, it doesn't feel like a document you'd hang on to for a long time.
Evaluation of the Document
Content: The document contains all the information I think I'd need along with a disclaimer that it doesn't contain all the information anyone could want. It gives a link to a "Complete Brochure," so we can assume that there is more any additional information I'd want is there.
Order: The first section is "Who is eligible?" This is confusing as the first item because I imagine that almost all of the people seeing this document are already enrolled in the health insurance. This is not a recruiting document, so it would be better if it read something like, "If you are... you are already enrolled in this plan." With a heading of "Are you covered?" This would serve to reinforce that the coverage that the TA already has, rather than trying to find new people. The coverages and costs are on the back and easy enough to follow. However, there is no good heading for the costs of covering a child or spouse.
Visual Design and Navigation: The drop shadow on the top box is ugly, and it is especially ugly because it is inconsistent. There is no other box on the brochure with a drop shadow. The Picture shows a good enough variety of students who are perhaps a little younger than the target audience. The Bottom picture is a better choice I think in terms of age ( but it portrays a stereotypical white male grad student with glasses working on a laptop). The text under the first picture is in a scripty decorative font that doesn't match the rest of the brochure and is hard to read. There are six different fonts used on the brochure, when only three were necessary. The small single-spaced serifed text at the bottom of the first page and the italic small print on the top and bottom of the second page is difficult to read. It is the "fine print" of the brochure and contains warnings and caveats. The fonts match their purposes well, but the design could have been streamlined.
Style: The diction begins in a familiar second person tone, but then becomes overly formal quickly. The back contains legal jargon and tables with no easy to read text.
Changes to be made: I would advocate keeping the familiar diction throughout. The document pretends to be comforting but becomes menacing and cautionary pretty quickly. I would use three fonts only. The decorative font from the logo for all large letters (titles, headings, etc.) the light san-serif (arial) for the tables. bulleted lists and subheadings, and the serifed font (Palatino, I think) for all the body text. I would change the "Who is eligible?" to "Are you covered?" keeping with the familiar second person and better addressing the needs of the audience. I would add some text explaining the tables and how to read them. For example the table labeled "Premium Costs and Coverage Periods" should clearly be explained as optional costs to avoid confusion.
Rude 4.6
These statements have been changed from criticisms to organizational strategies.
a. In order to make this text accessible for all readers, you might want to avoid abstract concepts and confusing words such as XXX(3) and XXX(5), and make the sentences shorter. For example you could make the first sentence of XX paragraph into two sentences by putting a period after XXX.
b. A second-person voice would help the reader understand who should do what. For example, consider changing phrases such as, "The receptionist is called with details" on page three to "Call the receptionist and report the details.
c. First identify the important actors and actions in these sentences and rewrite them to emphasize these important parts.
d. As a reader, I am having difficulty understanding what to do with this information. Perhaps this information would make more sense in another section.
e. Consider moving the main objectives of the brochure to the beginning. That way the reader knows what to do with the information as they read it.
f. Spend more time elaborating why this project is important.
e.
a. In order to make this text accessible for all readers, you might want to avoid abstract concepts and confusing words such as XXX(3) and XXX(5), and make the sentences shorter. For example you could make the first sentence of XX paragraph into two sentences by putting a period after XXX.
b. A second-person voice would help the reader understand who should do what. For example, consider changing phrases such as, "The receptionist is called with details" on page three to "Call the receptionist and report the details.
c. First identify the important actors and actions in these sentences and rewrite them to emphasize these important parts.
d. As a reader, I am having difficulty understanding what to do with this information. Perhaps this information would make more sense in another section.
e. Consider moving the main objectives of the brochure to the beginning. That way the reader knows what to do with the information as they read it.
f. Spend more time elaborating why this project is important.
e.
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